“America Scroll” Unearthed Beneath the Lincoln Memorial

In an astonishing find, construction workers doing restoration on the Lincoln Memorial uncovered a tin box buried underneath the edifice, containing a rolled-up parchment with an account of the founding of the United States of America. The document, provisionally titled the “America Scroll,” clarifies many details of the nation’s first century, and as a result of its publication, textbooks will need to revise what they teach about America’s sacred history.

While no author’s name is appended to the document, its placement under the Lincoln Memorial suggests that it was written by Abraham Lincoln himself.

The artifact has been purchased by the Lindenbaum family, who has gifted it to TheTorah.com in honor of the historical work it does on the Bible. TABS Research Fellow and Senior Editor, Dr. Rabbi Zev Farber, has been working for the past few months to decipher, edit, and annotate this document, which we are excited to present to the public for the first time.^[1]

The full text of the “America Scroll” reads as follows:

1. Washington

^1:1 There was a certain man named George, who lived in a small English village, and who was known to his fellow villagers as Washington. ^1:2 One day, the LORD appeared to Washington, and said: “Leave your home and your farm and go to the land that I will show you. There I will make you into a great nation.”^{[2] 1:3} Washington was six hundred years of age when the LORD first spoke with him.^[3]

^1:4 So Washington built a large boat, which he called the Mayflower,^[4] and covered it with pitch on every side.^{[5] 1:5} Three hundred cubits, by one hundred cubits, by fifty cubits was the boat.^{[6] 1:6} Washington sailed to the promised land and arrived at Plymouth Rock in New York’s Boston Harbor, and the Native Americans were then in the land.^[7]

^1:7 And the LORD said unto George, “Travel the land west and east, north and south, for all this will be yours and your descendants’.”^{[8] 1:8} And George Washington travelled south to the Potomac River, where he built his city, Washington D.C., and his tower, with its head in the sky, which he called the Washington Monument.^[9]

^1:9 And the LORD said to Washington, “Yea, as you have done what is pleasing in my eyes, you shall no longer be called Washington, but America shall be your name.”^{[10] 1:10} And this is why, even unto this day, the descendants of George Washington are called “Americans.”

^1:11 And Washington, who was called America, said to the LORD: “My LORD God, I am thankful for your generosity, but I cannot tell a lie,^[11] I am exceedingly vexed, even unto death,^[12] for I am old and advanced in years, yet I have no heir.”^{[13] 1:12} Then the LORD said: “Go outside and look at the stars in the sky—thus shall be your offspring.” ^1:13 And Washington believed the LORD, and told his wife Betsy Ross the news, so she sewed a flag with 50 stars, which is the flag of America unto this very day.

2. The Sons of Washington

^2:1 And George knew his wife and she bore him three sons: Alexander, who was called “Hamilton,” Thomas, who was called “Jefferson,” and Abraham, who was called “Lincoln.” ^2:2 Hamilton was the first man to invent coins,^[14] but he did what was blameful in the eyes of the LORD,^[15] and in his wroth, the LORD sent his devouring angel, Aaron Burr, to smite him.^[16]

^2:3 The two remaining sons took wives. ^2:4 Lincoln took Yankee, daughter of Doodle Dandy, and she bore him eight sons: his eldest, Massachusetts, then Delaware, Rhode Island, Connecticut, and Pennsylvania, and one set of triplets that he named New York, New Jersey, and New Hampshire. ^2:5 Jefferson took Dixie, daughter of Winn, and she too bore sons, the eldest, Virginia, then Georgia, Maryland, and the twins, North and South Carolina.^[17]

^2:8 And Washington who was called America died, and was gathered unto his ancestors, and was buried at the foot of the Washington Monument^[18] by his two sons,^[19] in a casket made from the wood of the very cherry tree he had chopped down as a youth.^[20]

3. Jefferson

^3:1 And Jefferson waxed fat on his plantation and kicked brazenly,^[21] committing all forms of wickedness and iniquity. ^3:2 And the LORD said to Jefferson, “Since you have done what is sinful in my eyes, you are banished to wander from this land and into the south.^{[22] 3:3} Cotton and tobacco you shall plant, and by the sweat of your brow will you harvest it.^{[23] 3:4} And you shall no longer be known as Thomas Jefferson, but Jefferson Davis shall be your name. ^3:5 And your children shall no longer be called Sons of America but Sons of Confederate, for you have not walked in the ways of your father, Washington, and I have rejected you.”

^3:6 And Jefferson took his wife Dixie, and their five sons, Virginia, Georgia, Maryland, and the two Carolinas, and they left Monticello, wandering south, and settled in Montgomery and built plantations. ^3:7 Now the Sons of Confederate grew lazy, and did not wish to work their plantations, so they took for themselves slaves from lands that they knew not,^[24] and the LORD was sorely vexed.

4. Lincoln and the Sons of Confederate

^4:1 It happened one day, while Abraham Lincoln was tending his master’s sheep, that he heard a rattlesnake shaking its rattle but saw that it was not attacking. ^4:2 And Lincoln said to himself, “Let me turn and look upon this wondrous site; why is the snake not biting?”^{[25] 4:3} When Lincoln approached the snake, he heard the LORD’s voice coming from the snake saying, “Abraham, Abraham.”^{[26] 4:4} And Lincoln said, “Here I am.”^[27]

^4:5 And the LORD said to Lincoln, “You have sanctified My name by proclaiming freedom throughout the northern land,^[28] but your brother has sinned against me, for he has enslaved people from lands which he knoweth not, and put them to work on his plantations. Now, go to your brother Jefferson Davis, and say unto him: ‘Let my people go.’”^[29]

^4:6 And Lincoln went to Montgomery, Alabama, which is also known as Richmond Virginia,^[30] and he brought along his young attendant, Ulysses S. (=son of) Grant, and the seventy senators of the Americans, and he spoke the LORD’s message to Jefferson, saying, “Thus said the LORD of Hosts, ‘Let my people go.’” But Jefferson refused to let the enslaved people go.

^4:7 So Abraham took his walking stick, which had been decoratively engraved by the finger of the Almighty—is it not in the Henry Ford collection in Dearborn, Michigan?!^[31]—and Abraham struck Lake Lanier, causing the waters to turn to tea, and the Sons of Confederate could drink nothing but tea for a whole week.^{[32] 4:8} Thus they renamed it The Great Salt Lake, which it is called to this day.^{[33] 4:9} But Jefferson Davis hardened his heart^[34] against the LORD’s message and would not let the enslaved people go.

^4:10 Then the LORD said to Abraham: “Gather together the senators of the Americans and the enslaved people, and tell them that on the fourth of July, they should slaughter each household a cow, and make hot dogs, drink beer, and watch the Superbowl.^{[35] 4:11} They should not leave their homes or go to sleep, even during the half time show, for on this night I will strike down the firstborn of every Confederate household, from the wealthiest plantation owner to the poorest hotdog vendor, ^4:12 and they will know that I, the LORD, have come to free my people from bondage^[36] and bring tranquility to the land that I promised your father Washington.”^[37]

^4:13 And the people obeyed, and each family sang the psalms, yea even the Yankee Doodle Dandy; ^4:14 and all Americans, southern and northern, continue this practice on every July 4^th since then.^[38]

^4:15 That night, the LORD smote the firstborn of each Confederate household and there was crying in every plantation.^{[39] 4:16} And Jefferson Davis called Abraham Lincoln and said unto him, “Go! Leave the confederacy, and let me never see your bearded, mustacheless face again!”^[40] (^4:17 In memory of this insult, Americans to this day do not wear beards without mustaches.)^[41]

^4:18 So Abraham, Ulysses, and the senators led the formerly enslaved out of the Confederacy at dawn the next morning. As they did not have time to make breakfast, they brought along beef jerky and Twinkies, still popular foods among traveling Americans.^[42]

5. The Civil Exodus

^5:1 The next day, the Confederates were distraught at the idea that they would need to pick their own cotton and harvest their own tobacco, ^5:2 “Why did we let the slaves go?” they cried. ^5:3 And Jefferson Davis gathered his troops, even his greatest warriors Robert E. Lee, Andrew Jackson, and Judah Benjamin,^[43] and they gave chase, and caught up with Lincoln and his people at the Delaware River, which is now known as the Mississippi.

^5:3 And the LORD said unto Lincoln, “Stretch out your arm and hold your staff over the river and tell the people to cross it.” ^5:4 And Lincoln did so, and the river split in two, each side was like a wall, and the people crossed between the sides.^[44]

^5:5 And Jefferson Davis saw this, and he commanded his warriors to give chase. ^5:6 And the LORD said to Lincoln, “Abraham, stretch out your arm and hold your staff over the river and it shall return to its normal course.” ^5:7 Lincoln did so, and the river returned to its course, and the entire Confederate Army was drowned, and only Jefferson Davis was left standing.^[45]

^5:8 And Harriet Tubman, the sister of Abraham Lincoln, took a banjo on her knee, and led the people in the Grand Ole’ Star-Spangled Banner:

^5:9 Then Jefferson Davis surrendered to Lincoln, and swore a binding oath that all peoples in America, no matter whence they come, were to be free forever, and that the Sons of Confederate will rejoin the Sons of America and both together will again be as one nation and be called Americans.^{[47] 5:10} The place in which he made this oath was called Appomattox Courthouse, which is also known as the Lincoln Memorial, and it stands in Washington D.C. to this day.

^5:11 After this, Lincoln was gathered unto his ancestors at the ripe old age of 210;^[48] his eyes were undimmed and his vigor unabated.^{[49] 5:12} And never again was there a man as great or as close to the LORD as Abraham Lincoln for all the great and mighty power he displayed before the eyes of all the Americans.^[50]