Strategic Questionnaire: Your Opinion Matters to the Torah!

Please answer these questions as honestly as possible and mail your response to the address found here:

1. How did you hear about TheTorah.com?

1. I clicked on the link thinking it was Torah.org—big mistake!
2. Googled TheHorah.com to learn dance moves for my friend’s Bar Mitzvah
3. I wanted to prove to a friend that 600,000+ people stood at Har Sinai and fell down a deep rabbit hole^[1]
4. David Steinberg sits next to me in shul, and he doesn’t shut up about it

2. How heretical do you think TheTorah.com is?

1. Big Mitzvah! God created the internet just so TheTorah.com could exist
2. Not too heretical… but I keep a safe distance from the mezuzah when I log in just in case
3. Maybe? I’m questioning everything now, including my kugel recipe!
4. Whenever I open my browser to read an article, my ancestors roll over in Sheol, and scream "Moishe emes, ve-soirasoi emes!"

3. When do you read TheTorah.com?

1. In the bathroom, where it belongs
2. I print it out and read in Shul when people think I’m davening
3. Online on Shabbat: two wrongs make a right!
4. After I hear the Rabbi’s terrible vort and need to cleanse my soul

4. What’s the best article you've read on the site?

1. The one that says the Torah isn’t anti-cheeseburgers.^[2]
2. Priestly underpants, obviously.
3. Inspirational pieces like “Queen of Sheba’s Hairy Legs” or “Keeping Excrement out of God’s Presence”?
4. “The Diatessaron and Its Relevance to the Study of the Pentateuch”
5. I only look at the pictures

5. What topics would you like to touch on in the future?

1. How to pronounce YHWH… asking for a friend.
2. Would Moses rely on my shul’s eruv to carry on Shabbat?
3. Who would win in a fight: King David and his slingshot or Samson and the donkey’s jawbone?
4. Something with gematria please!

6. Which biblical character would you like to learn more about?

1. Uz and Buz (Genesis 22:21), what was their mother thinking?
2. Mehetabel daughter of Matred daughter of Di-Zahav ^[3] (Genesis 36:39)
3. That guy who points Joseph in the right direction to find where his brothers were herding sheep (Genesis 37:17)
4. Shamgar son of Anat (Judges 3:31)... he sounds like a really tough guy
5. Pele-joez-el-gibbor-abi-ad-sar-shalom (Isaiah 9:5): I’ve always wondered if he liked this name.
6. Moses

7. What improvements would you like to see to the website?

1. Way longer footnotes that are even harder to read on a mobile device
2. A "Yeshivish Translator" that rewrites academic articles into the Brisker-method
3. DrashahAI – turns every article into a Rabbi’s sermon by adding a corny joke at the beginning and a mussar lesson at the end.
4. A Zoom link when you finish the article so you can say Kaddish D'Rabbanan with a minyan
5. A “dark mode” so I can read on my yeshiva’s computer with no one knowing

8. What are you looking to accomplish by visiting TheTorah.com?

1. Remove my Jewish guilt
2. Have some ammo for when my Rabbi asks why I stopped coming to his shiur
3. Feel quietly superior to everyone at the Passover seder
4. Let’s me sleep better at night for telling my Zeidy that I learn Torah every day

9. How has TheTorah.com impacted your life?

1. Put extra parashiyot in my tefillin, nussach Qumran
2. Went from Orthodox to Orthoprax
3. Went from Orthoprax to an annoying person to have a Shabbat meal with
4. Don't flatter yourself, you have not impacted me
5. Started saying “the Torah seems to be suggesting” instead of answering simple questions.
6. Refer to “biblical authors” in my divrei Torah

10. How likely are you to recommend this website to a friend?

1. If they ask “do you think the Purim story really happened” then yes
2. If they wear a velvet kippah, I shout out the URL and then run as fast as I can
3. I don’t tell anyone I read this site, and make sure I am in incognito mode
4. Every Shabbos, I knock on doors and ask people if they have a minute to hear how TheTorah.com can save their life
5. I read TheTorah.com, I don’t have friends.

11. TheTorah.com is designing Bible-critic swag. What speaks to you?

1. 

   JEPD necklace, also available with H, depending on your minhag
2. Duffle Bag, perfect for when you get kicked out of the charedi community and need to pack in a hurry
3. Bracelets that say "What would REDACTOR do?"
4. Book sleeve cover that says, "Mussar From The Rebbe's Table" to put over your secular books
5. Facemask, so no one recognizes you as you walk out of a lecture titled “The Polytheistic Origins of Judaism”

12. What is your opinion on TheTorah.com’s Facebook posts?

1. It creates a safe place for absolute lunatics to argue
2. I see it’s cathartic for you, David, so knock yourself out
3. You still use Facebook? That’s older than the Torah itself
4. Would prefer you invest in TikTok videos of Zev Farber dancing with Julius Wellhausen